I almost screamed this morning when I stepped on the scale and it said 1-freaking-20. Again. I've "cleansed" the colon for 1.5 days now (trust me, I'm not packing anything in that colon), I've eaten like a bird (maybe a vulture, but still in the bird range), and exercised a little bit (three times is pretty good for lots of people) and WTF? 120? Before breakfast? REALLY?!! You rat ba$tard.
So I cussed the scale, and "gently" moved it to another location on the tile floor, and stepped on again. Whew. 116. And I got that about 5 more times, since I wasn't convinced after the 120 episode. So I've lost 4 pounds of something. Most likely food and clothing, but I'm not going to quibble about WHAT I've lost, as long as I fit into the jeans better. (Will do Squeeze-fat-ass-into-jeans test later.) But will the colon cleanse keep the food from sticking around long enough to turn into fat, or is it too late by the time the colon gets ahold of it? And when does my body start burning fat? And when I lose weight, does the fat pack its bags and leave? Or do the fat cells just shrink? I guess I AM quibbling about what I've lost. Inquiring minds want to know. Too bad they won't find out here. (Update: According to http://www.annecollins.com/weight-loss-support/fat-cells.htm fat cells only shrink when you lose weight. Apparently I can make NEW ones by gaining weight, but cannot get rid of the old ones when I lose weight. The game is RIGGED.)
So the scale error highlights my current dilemma -- to go high tech with a new scale, or stick with the basic spring scale that occassionally gives me a heart attack and begs to be kicked? I searched the web the other day and discovered that scales these days can not only give you your weight, but they can also measure your body fat, your water retention, and some of them will even talk to you. (I'd LOVE to get ahold of one of those babies in the programming stage: "Hey fat ass, how's it hanging today?" "Ouch!!! Get off -- you're killing me!" It's a good thing I crack myself up. Sadly, I think the current manufacturers lack vision and humor and they only give you the pertinent data, not commentary.) I was wondering how these modern marvels measure your body fat and was picturing little metal hands reaching out to pinch me, but apparently, they shoot electrical current through your body to figure that out (Fat and muscle transmit at different rates. But what if my fat is faster than the average fat? Is it all the same? Does anyone else care? Probably not.).
So do I want a new-fangled scale that will shoot electrical pulses through me and tell me more depressing sh!t? I've got one in my cart at Amazon. (And is now a good time to express my LOVE for Amazon, the internet and Brown? Oh-ho the Wells Fargo Wagon is a comin' down the street....) My friend Ena tells me she loves hers (her fancy scale, I mean). Well, I guess what she really said, is that she's OBSESSED with hers. Hmmm. Obsession -- is it a good thing, or only an expensive unisex fragrance? Do I really need to have a new scale to tell me when I hit 105? The obvious answer is no, of course. But it's NEVER about need when there's a new thingie in my cart. Until my scale pissed me off this morning, I was very happy with it -- it's attractive modern glass and metal and did not complain during the many years that I ignored it and let it get dusty under a bathroom cabinet. But piss me off once.... I guess the lesson here, is that if you're an old appliance at my house, you'd better be reliable, because you CAN be replaced.
Well, I'm off to my cart at Amazon to order a new scale and whatever else I've piled in there this week. Oh-ho the Wells Fargo wagon is a....
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