Reality pilot: The Biggest Loser at Intervention Boot Camp for Jesus.

LONG day yesterday. Did an hour walk. Twisted whenever I made green tea (kinda likin' the twisty thingie), and Skyped an hour cardio with the sis. Seriously, how can I still have this squidge? I've been working the program. I've been snacking on apples and popcorn. I'm starting to like frickin' oatmeal. I've been pretty darn good for four weeks now. Why won't the squidge monster go away?

Couple things I should mention. 1. I cannot stop having a glass of wine most nights and several glasses Fri-Sun nights. So sue me. Life is short and mostly a pain in the ass, so it should be fun. So that might be slowing me down a bit, but it's only like 150 calories per drink -- it's not THAT bad, is it? The form for the Boot Camp actually had some little electronic pledge B.S. where they make you say that you'll show up on time and stuff. They actually expected me to check a box saying that I wouldn't drink during the whole boot camp period (it's usually a month, which I cannot even imagine, but I signed up only for 5 days). No WAY am I checking that box (cuz I'm a drinker, not a liar), and they also wanted me to agree that I wouldn't swear during class -- that I'd only be upbeat and positive. Are you shitting me people? You think I'ma drag my belly fat to Boot Camp and be perky about it? If that's the way you're gonna be, I want a refund now. So I'm waiting to see if they reject me and my $75 for not agreeing to all their stuff: "Nope, we're sorry Ms. Gromer, but you didn't check the boxes that said you wouldn't drink or swear." I could totally lie, but it's the principle at this point. They're gonna have to take me pissed off and addicted and like it.

And 2. I got so desperate after yet another day of exercising for like 2 hours and still carrying my squidge around like it's my unborn child, that I looked into liposuction, and I was dead serious. I mean, how much time and money would I save by not working out and going to boot camps? It's going to take me like a year to get rid of the squidge the old fashioned way, when lipo could get rid of it in a few hours. Plus all the kids are doin' it. If I did it just this once, and ate right and exercised regularly (but not the death marches I'm doin' now), I could maintain it for years, maybe forever. Right? VERY tempting. I found this web article to be very informative. http://health.howstuffworks.com/liposuction.htm I probably won't make a lipo appointment for this week, but it's in the mix there. It could come up again.

And, oh yeah, it's officially been 30 days. My time is up. I failed to meet my goal of losing 10 pounds in 30 days. But am I defeated? Yeah, kind of. But not totally. I really thought I could do this and I still don't understand why the fat isn't melting away faster. But I understand that losing 1-2 pounds a week is healthy weight loss, my doctor sis keeps saying only one pound a week, and I've actually lost at least 5 pounds (you know I have some scale issues) in those 30 days. (I was a straight up 116 on the New Digital this morning -- I was about 121-2 on the ND when I started this, I think). So I'm making a little progress -- about a pound a week, with some backsliding here and there. So maybe it will take me ten weeks. Okay, new goal: lose the ten pounds in ten weeks, which, beginning Oct. 5, should put me right before Christmas. (Whew, thank the Baby Jesus I don't have to lose weight over the Super Holidays, as I think that would be impossible.) Which makes me think: WWJD if he wanted to lose weight? Would Jesus lay off the wine for biblical-era Boot Camp? Would the big JC get liposuction if the squidge couldn't be cast out? Something to ponder today.

Update: Holy Shit! (And I mean that.) I just Googled "weight loss with Jesus" and struck such a rich vein of material that I may have to start another blog!! At "godweb.org" (seriously) they have an article about the Christian weight loss movement and WWJE -- yes, you guessed, it, What Would Jesus Eat? (Does that mean what would Jesus eat if he were alive today? Or back when he was doing his thing?) You can buy the WWJE book on Amazon and find out. And if you want to grab this train, God has apparently ordained the "Weigh Down Workshop" program, so hop on board! (Except isn't down the Devil's direction?) When you diet for Jesus with the Weigh Down program, you change your desire for a pan of brownies into a hunger for righteousness (a thirst for theism?). I also like the article entitled: "Christian Weight Loss: Why God Might Love You More if You're Thin." Facebook has a page called "Fit for Jesus!" And I'm betting the Holy Rollers could make a fortune if they marketed themselves as a weight-loss-for-the-Lord sect. I haven't visited it, but this article is supposed to be about a weight loss center with a water stain of Jesus on the ceiling: http://purgatorio1.com/?p=766 How fortuitous.

God, I could go all day with this material, and right into next week. But I need to get something done today. Like lose weight. Maybe tomorrow I'll look up weight loss for my own atheist ass. If they don't have anything yet, I can see a bright future for myself in the industry.