Oh, so you can't open a bottle of wine with a shoe? I can.

Okay, two cool things, and then I've got to go:

1.  They had new layout options, so I'm trying this one.  Like it?

2.   The most awesome video ever, showing how to open a bottle of wine using a shoe.  Yes, a shoe.  Go there, see it, try it, report back.  open vino with shoe

I had to clean my whole fur-infested house this morning, then re-stock the fridge, so guess what got cut out of my morning plan?  Yes, Bringing It was a bust.  Didn't happen.  Not even 20 mins with Gilad as a substitute.

Dang it.  But the wine thing is totally cool. 

Pooped, lagged, and P90partnerless.

So I got home from Italy/France, after 21 hours of sitting on planes and in aiports, about 7pm local last night.  Was absolutely pooped in a figurative sense, and then stepped in a more literal version.  I somehow managed to step into a fresh bit of dog poop that my dog MAY have accidentally and completely innocently dropped on my kitchen floor.  Unfortunately, it was one of those deals where you don't see it, you step in it, and then you run around the house (yes, spreading it all over) going, "What smells like dog poop?  Why do I smell dog poop everywhere?  Oh shit."  So then I spent another half hour de-pooping my shoes and bleaching the hard floors and spraying sanitizer on the rugs until I can clean them more thoroughly.   Just what I wanted to do while exhausted.  My vacation is SO over.

Managed to get to bed early despite poop problem, but that was apparently a mistake, since my body was all BOOM, "welcome to wide awake," at 1:30 a.m.  I've already been to the bathroom, taken a Benadryl, watched the end of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and don't have much more to say, blog-wise.  That's not good.  Guess I'll have to watch the 1997 Ray Liotta thriller that's on next -- Turbulence is Airport with a bunch of in-flight murders and a really hard-to-believe ending where Lauren Holly, the scared-but-incredibly-brave flight attendant (can't call 'em stewardi any more, can we?) lands the plane.  OMG I hope I fall asleep before the dramatic ending.  And P.S., I've been overseas several times -- how come I never get the ginormous, 12-seat-across double decker plane with a cocktail lounge on the second floor and only a handful of passengers?  How do I get me a ticket on one of those, but with no snakes, serial killers, or engine problems?

Despite my scale photo from Paris (that big green thing did not work and seems to be a way for someone to collect 1E per idiot who thinks it might really work), I have no idea whether I maintained my weight over two weeks of eating yummy forbidden food with nothing more challenging to my fat than walking around old castles.  I don't think castle walking is any match for chocolate croissant consumption.  So, as much as I hate being healthy and working out, I'm gonna try to get back into the Bringin' It schedule this week.  BUT, my P90Partner, Ena, is now out of town for three weeks.  Double shit.  Can I bring it alone?  Doubtful, but we'll work something out.

And, in yet another free plug for the guys at Beach Body, Ena's husband Steve got back from Down Under about a week before I went overseas.  We showed Steve how swell it is to Bring It, and Steve jumped in and Brought It with Ena while I was gone, proving, yet again, that I CAN be replaced.  Steve likes it so much, that Steve and Ena bought another copy of P90X.  Dang!  Steve and Ena will eventually have to post a schedule to use their P90X (Bring it!) Studio.

Okay, gotta go -- the criminals have escaped and murdered the good guys, the plane has a hole in it (but Lauren plugged it up with a briefcase), the pilots are out of commission, and Lauren ("Terri") is already attempting to fly "the most sophisticated plane that has ever been built" into an "unsophisticated storm" with the assistance of ground control and a pilot busy flying another sophisticated plane.  Plus I think Ray Liotta is about to kill the mom from Child's Play (who is another, less-important flight attendant), because she knows too much.  Yep she's gone.

Red spots.

So I’m sitting here in CDG aeroport in Paris.  Just had another damn pain au chocolate (tasty croissant loaded with butter and chocolate, um, YUM), but that was my LAST one.  After this, I’m back home eating yogurt and fried rice and BRINGIN’ IT 3 days a week.  Can’t have a cup of tea, because I’m here 2 heurs avant my flight, and they ain’t no toilettes inside the gate area.  But they’ve got a nice place where you can drink yourself silly and pissy on coffee, etc.

What I need now is a big ol’ nap.  But I couldn’t lay down, even if there was a nice squishy bed in the gate area, because I’m wearing my giant red floppy French hat (because no matter how I configured it, it would NOT fit in my overstuffed luggage).  Totally inconspicuous.  But the passport guy liked it.  Am wondering whether my hat and my ass will fit comfortably in one coach seat on the flights home.

Who cares.  Had a great time in Italy and France (was technically in Spain, but won’t count that hour), but am happy to be going home.  Work is gonna suck, but looking forward to being home with my doggies in the “very dry” 110F heat.

And on a health note, my skin is still freakin’ trying to kill me.  Or at least make me look bad.  A day after I arrived in Venice, I got enormous itchy red spots all over my checks, from chin to eyes.  Definitely not middle-aged acne, and probably the Grover’s.  NO idea what caused it – was fine before and during trip over.  And I’m fine now – it got worse for a few days and then gradually improved over the last week, so that I’m almost normal now.  But everyone in Southern France now thinks I have crazy bad skin.  That’s okay, I mean, it’s not like I wanted to maybe take some photos so that I could remember this trip for years to come or anything.

Quelle Horreur!

Oops.  I checked the scales at my last stop here in Paris (you can't even see Notre Dame right behind me), and things are not looking good.  And that was before last night's large boeuf  with (what else) pommes de terre ('cuz I love my taters) and tart de citron revisitee.

Ena:  we gonna have to BRING IT when I get home, girlfriend!!

Hey, I can blog from Venice!!!

How sweet is this?  I’m finally relaxed and on vacation.  And it only took about 3 weeks of stress and four Snickers bars to to it.  So I’m sitting (alone) at breakfast this morning (because my sister and nephew were not moving when I woke up (itchy, of course) at   6:30 local time.   Arrived in the rain yesterday afternoon after about 24 hours of lovely travel.  Buy hey, I’m here.  And I’m ready to see Venice.  So they’d better get their butts up.

   Here are the favorite photos so far.Had  ginormous, delicious, expensive filet mignon with bernaise last night.  Plan is to walk ass off today in penance.  Oh, darn, will have to visit every shop in town.

Bringin It to the muscles and the fat -- is that an ab?

Bring it!  And today I really mean it.  Not sarcastically, not with crossed birds instead of arms, but really, truly, gag-me-with-a-spoon-from-the-eighties-enthusiasm.  Bring.  It.  

Because I'm pretty sure I caught a glimpse of ab in the mirror when I was getting dressed this morning.  And while I still have plenty of fat covering almost all my "muscle," that fat is definitely thinner, the thighs are less cheesy, and I'm getting some definition again.  Just, what, like three weeks into Bringin It?  So, clearly, actually working out and eating less DOES work (which I knew, of course, I just wasn't motivatin' to do it).  So I have to thank Ena for motivating with me -- there is just no way I would be doing this if it was up to me, myself and I.  Work out, or lay on the couch?  Tough call?  Nope, couch always wins.  Couch = about 6,000 and workout maybe 60 over the last 20 years.  So thank you Ena for helping me Bring It.  And kudos to the P90X program, which has actually been excellent for workin' out.   How refreshing to find a product that is well done and gives you value for your money.  If  Ena will keep workin' out with me, I will never buy another plastic-whatever that becomes a dusty clothes rack or plant stand to be Craigslisted a year after purchase.  Once we found out how to make Tony-baloney ZIP IT and play music instead, it's quite pleasant and really does the job.  Yesterday Ena and I Brought It to our shoulders, chests, and triceps, plus ripped our abs with Ab terror X.  We must have done like 5,000 push ups -- my arms were shaking as soon as we got started.  And Ena and I decided that the workouts seem like they're getting harder and we can't figure out why -- we thought the first few seemed pretty easy, and now we long for the days of Heavy Pants.  They've got like 11 DVDs in there, so maybe the later ones ARE tougher.  And I can feel it.  I can feel every one of these Bring It sessions.  But if you aren't feelin' it, it's not working, so that's good.  In fact, I felt so good about my possible ab sighting this morning, that I ran in and checked my weight on the New Digital.

Drumroll, please...............................112.6!  WITH abs!

Seriously.  I might have to stop mocking the whole Bring It deal.

So Snickers are on sale at Safeway.

Okay, I feel the need to post something, because it's been a while and I'm about to get crazy busy and then skip town.  There was no Bringing It this weekend, so I've done nothing but let my muscles heal since last Thursday.  Am relying on the new and improved muscle to burn more fat than usual.  The New Digital hasn't budged since Friday -- I have solidified at 114.4.  At least I'm not going up.

Confession: Had to buy 4 Snickers bars at Safeway the other day -- they were on sale:  buy 2, get 2 free.  You cannot ignore the get two free promotion.  But I've only eaten one so far.  I told myself they were for my trip next week.  If they make it to next week, I'll definitely take them -- I'd rather be flabby than eat some of that airplane "food."

Gotta go play catch up.

Snickers update:

Days to departure: 6, 5, 4
Stress level caused by work deadlines and trip planning: 1 bar, 2 bars
Bars to Snickers extinction: 2.5 2
Probability of Snickers survival for trip:  Not good.  Bars removed to packing area in guest room for their own safety.

Who wouldn't pay to see us do Super Banana Man?

Well, this morning I was only 114 point-something after Bringin' It and removing my heavy tennis shoes.  So I'm moving in the right direction again.  Ena and I done Brung It yet again this morning -- that's four times in the last week and a half.  As Ena pointed out this morning, it's a good thing we're not doing this 6 days a week (as recommended), because it would probably kill us.  They need a P90X for middle aged ladies who like to cuss and bitch and giggle while working out.  Someone told Ena the other day that we should stream video of our workouts and "make money" by charging people to watch.  And I'm all like "Who'd want to watch US work out?  We'd spend all our time giving refunds."  But then this morning, while we were doing "banana rolls" and "Superman banana rolls" and some other shit that I cannot remember (because I'm a middle aged lady, not 20-something), I kind of changed my mind.  It might actually be hysterical to see middle aged ladies rolling around on the floor of Ena's garage, while laughing and saying "F#CK ME!"  I might pay money to see our workout this morning, and I was there.  Like I said, there's a lot of cussing and stuff like, "What's he doing now?  Oh, shit!!"  And, of course, there's always the pre-Bring It thrash of, "Oh,  I forgot to change tennis shoes." "Oh, I forgot my water bottle."  And my personal favorite: "Where are YOU sore today?"  So maybe we should set up a web cam and stream video.  AS IF two middle-aged knuckleheads like us really know how to do that.  Hey, it's a dream.

Lemme tell you, the P90X (Bring It!) Core Synergistics was the toughest workout yet -- it worked both upper and lower body, plus about killed me with cardio, because it's HARD to work both the upper and lower body at the same time.  I felt like I got an @$$ lift from last Thursday's workout (that thing was awesome), and I can hardly wait to see what hurts tomorrow.  I've already graduated to boys' push ups at least SOME of the time, and the scab on my knee is starting to heal, so I think we're making some progress.  I also feel like my arms look better and my back fat is on the run.

Gotta go -- need to rest up for the next work out.