Now that I KNOW I have bunions...they're KILLING me!

Yep.  When I didn't KNOW they were bunions, I just thought my dogs were barkin' (you know, my feet were tired).  But now that I have "bunions," hell, those things are KILLIN' me.  So I went in search of a cure.  Because the internet has everything, right?  Um.  Well, you can certainly find some ugly-a$$ shoes that will be "comfortable."  And cute torture instruments abound.  But combining STYLISH with healthy?  Insane!  Unheard of!  REEE-DICULOUS!

Really, I don't understand why these two concepts cannot be brought together -- why can't Blahnik make some comfy stilletos that don't freak out my toes?  And why are all those orthopedically-perfect shoes all freakin' hideous?  It's as if the two sides are at war and unwilling to give an inch lest the "other guys" win!  Obviously I can no longer wear the high, high heels -- those days are gone forever.  So that means I can't wear any of the currently-stylish platform stilletos.  Dress shoes gone.  Check.  And my beloved POINTY toes?  Not so much.  Dang.  It.  I love me some pointy toes.  But MUST I wear friggin' Earth shoes?  Or those cloggy-looking things that every comfy shoe manufacturer makes "stylish" by slappin' a Mary Jane strap onto it?  PEE-YUKE.  Ugh (And don't get me started on the Ugly Ugg.)  

Well, I have searched high and low (meaning everywhere Google and Amazon will take me) and I have found a very few shoes that look decent and don't FU your feet.  Let me share my experience. 

1. Crocs patent leather wedges.  (I'll look up the name in a minute.  Okay, I couldn't find the name.)  I found these on PiperLime a couple of years ago and they are awesome.  First, they are cute -- I never fail to get compliments on these plastic shoes.  They are not flat, they are not fugly-toed, and they are not Mary Janed.  They are a soft, cushy, comfy wedge of foam with attractive strappery on top (patent pleather that you can wear right into the Mediterranean sea), and so comfy that you can walk around Santorini all day long and then hike down the 600-step donkey trail to your cruise ship.  Yes, you can, because I've done it.  They aren't the BEST shoes for the donkey trail (it's covered in straw and donkey poop), but they will get the job done and you won't trip (unless you're a clutz) and they won't hurt your feet.  They don't have MY black patent Crocs with the criss-cross straps in their current Croc line up, but the "Leigh" wedge is close.  It comes in all black and then some stupid colors with an ugly tan rubber wedge that no one will buy.  Here's a picture of Leigh in black -- I can't get the photo to go where I want it, so look around.  In fact, I like the Leigh so much, I may just go buy a pair.  Excuse me a minute.
2. Dr. Scholl's "dance."  Yes, more plastic shoes.  I can't believe that I like these things, but I do.  I fell in love with my first (and still favorite) pair at Macy's many years ago.  And I noticed just yesterday that they have them back in stock at Zappos.  These things are fun, they are comfy, and they go everywhere from picking up dog poop in the backyard, to shopping in the rain or snow.  I wouldn't wear them someplace dressy -- have some sense -- there are rules.  And this is my only Mary Jane exception -- they've got a strap, but the rest of the shoe does not fit the Mary Jane mold, so I'm okay with it.  I'll try to insert a photo -- I'm not good with the photos.  Here we go: 
3. Vibram's Five-Fingers "shoes."  These are really heavy-duty toe socks with rubber soles.  Okay, these things are a long way from attractive, and I would say they're really hideous.  BUT, they're hideous in kind of a cool, freaky, "What the Hell are those?," modern, good, kind of way.  I admit that I have not yet tried these.  I am going to REI today to see if I can find a pair in my size to wear around the house.  Otherwise, I'ma be stuck wearing yoga slippers with those toe separator things. So here is a photo of the Vibram thingies.  They come in other colors, thankfully, but you'll see that the still-uncreative bastards have even Mary Janed up a few of these things. 
4. Nike Air Rift.  Ena and I think they should just call them Nike Air Bunions and get it over with.  And honestly, I think they'd get a good following if they billed them that way.  But you know Nike --"What!  No one would buy a 'bunion' shoe!"  It has to have a cool name.  So "Rift" it is.  It's based on a tabi, which is what the Ninjas and geishas wear.  And what this Japanese guy wore when he won the Boston marathon in 1951 (http://zero-drop.com/?tag=boston-marathon) -- shoes with a separation between your big toe, and your lesser toes.  And the Rift has a devoted following.  Sadly, this shoe is in the Ugly Ass category, because apparently no one at Nike has any sense.  Nasty neon colors, black or purple lace (puke), unnecessarily chunky soles, and, on some models, a nice swath of black rubber right at the cloven front, so you look like you should bust out with a "MOO" at any moment.  Gee-zus Nike, what were you thinkin'?  Seriously, I want to smack someone at Nike.  How about just a really cool modern shoe with some style -- a nice tatoo-inspired design,  cool, high-contrast black AND white, or a swirly pattern that looks like you go fast in your weird shoes?  Anything but purple lace, chunky soles and Moo.  But, there it is.  I am on the verge of buying a pair anyway.  I'm trying to decide whether to get last year's model (because this year's crop is hideous) in black with a silver pattern on the fabric part (I hate black sneakers, but it's kind of the best of the badness), or in a nasty bright pink with some ruching of the fabric -- at least it's interesting.  So far the pink is in the lead. 

Please, someone from the design team at Puma save me from these ugly-ass shoes.

Post Script:  I found some Rifts in silver on Ebay for $60 plus shipping.  So I bought them.  Only for you guys do I do this.

Post post script:  It is mid-afternoon now, and there have been several developments since this morning's post.

One.  You saw the crazy silver shoes -- I couldn't resist.  Two.  I went to REI and tried on the Vibram Five Fingers thingies.  The jury is still out.  They are comfortable, but weird, and a little tough to put on.  Why not just wear some toe socks and slippers?  And these foot gloves are about $85 (and up) plus tax.  Toe socks and slippers it is.

Three. I tried on some Keens while at REI and decided I needed some Whisper Slides, which they didn't have in my size there.  Never fear, Sierra Trading Post always has some Keens, and they gave me 35% off of their already reduced price. Nectarine/drizzle Keen Whisper slides won out over the Vibram freaky feeet.  See slides at right.

Fourth, and finally:  TJMaxx was RIGHT by REI.  Duh.  So I left Lumber Jack City and headed to T-t-t-t, T-t-t-t, T J Maxx!  Which, hello, I love.  My bunions and I bought several items, many of which are not important or relevant right now.  But pertinent to this post, my bunions and I selected 3 pair of shoes that seemed to be both attractive and comfortable for the bunions.  Because it is not possible to be a lawyer or have gay friends if you wear nothing but Keens and clogs and Crocs (indeed, you take your life into your hands at certain cocktail events), it is necessary to have some shoes that are (1) feminine, (2) trendy, and (3) not flat.  So here's what we brought home:

We've got some Nine Wests for work -- adorable peep toes that are not as tall as they look because of the platform front.  The Aerosoles in the middle are WAY cuter than they look in the photo, plus they're so comfy I've already done yard work in them.  And the MIAs on the right (which don't show up at all in this photo) are totally trendy and higher than the bunions might normally allow, BUT, they have flexible rubber soles. Uh-huh!  You'd never know it, but these shoes are all relatively comfortable, with the Aerosoles winning by a nose in the comfort category.

It's early days yet -- they all feel fine in the store.  But maybe I was a bit hasty when I jumped on the "cute shoes cannot be comfortable" train this morning.  I may just have to adjust my idea of "cute" and "comfortable" and meet somewhere between stilts and granola. 

Update:  Thursday, Cinco de Mayo:

The Silver Air Rifts arrived today.  And while I detest the Mary Jane strap on these, they REALLY are very comfortable.  Without socks -- can't wear the socks with these, but they are quite comfy.

Is it just me?

Or is this a really slow year for blog posts?  My "year in my life" book is going to be about the size of a Wonder Woman comic book this year.  Only about one tenth as interesting.  If only I had an invisible plane.  And a golden lasso.  And some enormous knockers spilling out of a crazy-tight red white and blue super hero costume with red boots.  THAT'd spice things up.  (And probably also get me banned from Safeway for life.  I wonder if Fresh and Easy would take me?  Definitely not Sprouts.)  Not only do I not feel like working out, but I also do not feel like bloggin' about how I'm not working out.  Even right now as I type this -- I don't feel like typin' this!  Bah!  Humbug!  Where's my plane?  I'm heading to the island of Amazon women.  What a minute -- that doesn't sound right.  Maybe I can go to the island of Amazon.com?  More my speed.  Plus I can wear my jammies.

I'm back to all the excuses for not working out again.  If I'm sick or busy with work, I can't work out.  If I'm neither one of those, then I'm busy with projects around the house.  I've always got an excuse.  Right now, I'm feeling better, I'm not that busy with work (yeah!), but I'm going nuts catching up on stuff at home:  eye appointment, annual well-woman exam, dental appointments, insulation for under the house and in the attic, termite treatments, constructing a bar to cover the pool equipment, cleaning out the garden shed...who has time to work out!  Seriously.  Who has time to work out?

I'ma have to locate a yoga place near my house or do something, to get myself motivated again, because I'm just not doing anything.  I should work out now -- it's 2:30 am and I was wondering why I couldn't sleep.  But then I noticed Connor Dog pacing the hallway and the distinctive odour of dog de poop. Crap.  Yes, crap.  Again.  Does anyone else live this unrelentingly glamorous lifestyle?  Or is it just me.

Hmmmmm. Remember when workouts were on the horizon?

Well, it's a distant freakin' horizon.  I've Skyped yoga with Kathy a couple of times.  And I think I did yoga by myself (me and the Ye) once.  But otherwise?  Pretty sad.  I keep telling myself that I'll work out more and more as I feel better and better.  The health has definitely improved since I stopped the dairy and egg and I avoid wheat and wine at least most of the time (if you don't count yesterday's wine tasting with ten different reds).  I still have freaky skin that has no normal barrier to keep moisture in and allergens out, and I still get itchy and sneezy and have weird bumps and things, but I'm WAY better than I was.  Probably because I can mostly sleep at night now.  That's kinda cool.

Oh!  I just remembered -- I worked out yesterday a little bit.  I rode my Terry road bike down to the market and back.  That's something anyway.  And speaking of something, I learned a little something just this morning.  I learned that I didn't know how to inflate my high-pressure road tires with the presta valves.  Ooops.  I wondered why they just didn't seem to be firming up after all that wrestling with the pump to get them to 105 psi.  I was pumping, and jumping on the pump, and pumping....I probably got more of a workout trying to inflate the damn tires than riding.  And they still looked and felt flabby as my triceps when I was done.  So I Googled.  (WHAT did we ever do before the lovely internet?)  And (drumroll please).......there's a frickin' lock nut that you have to unscrew at the top of the valve to get air in there.  Well Hell.  So I tried it again with the valves OPEN.  Hey!  It works!  So problem solved, thanks to the internet, Wiki, and YouTube.  I will no longer look like an under-inflated moron at the market.  It's a learning curve.  Once I figure out how to ride this bike (still working on shifting all the fancy schmancy gears and stuff), I'ma send it back in for a bright red paint job.  Cuz then it will look better hanging from my dining room ceiling.  Who needs art?

So today, more not working out.  I've got to clean out the guest room closet with the crawl space access and remove the assorted plumbing debris from beneath the house, so that the insulation company can put batting under my 1929 floor boards with no subfloor.  Hopefully, I will not feel the rush of my expensive air conditioning whooshing out from the vents beneath my house this summer.  It only took 21 years for me to do this.  But I figure I'm not going anywhere (they'll probably carry me out of this house feet first), so it's never too late.  They're foaming the attic on Tuesday.  Woohoo!

Hooray for bunions!

Yes, this morning my doctor told me I have bunions.  SHIT.  Bunions?  Here I am feeling fine for the first time in four years and I have bunions?  I woke up all energetic today (after four days of no dairy, no eggy), and I haven't been itchy since I got the magical ceramide-filled cream for my skin.  So I was feeling really, really good.  And then WHAM -- bunions!

Honestly, I thought my feet were totally normal.  But my doc took one look and went "Oh!  You have bunions!"  I was previously blissfully unaware that my feet were hideously deformed (I thought they looked pretty cute with the right pedicure) until this morning.  And now that I now, I can hardly stand to look at my ugly-ass feet.  But they don't hurt, they aren't bothering me, and there's really nothing that can be done (until I'm ready to have the surgery where they break the bone and scrape off the extra bone and inflamed tissue and what not), so I'm just not going to worry about my stupid ugly bunions.

And really, if that's the worst thing I have to worry about right now (and it is), then I'm good.

Work outs are on the horizon.

The rug-scooch wake up call and related events.

After Connor the insanely-furry-collie woke me at 6:30 am with rug scooching (NEVER a good thing in any doggie), I did the dreaded butt exam (also NEVER a good thing, and even worse at 6:30 in the morning while mostly asleep and all cranky).  Yup.  Backlog of collie poop in the collie butt fur.  Uuuuuuuuuuuuuugghh.  There is no waiting around when dealing with a mobile dog with poop stuck in his butt fur in a house full of wool rugs.

Tell me this ain't a good look.

So, I did what any good mommie would do: I suited up and dealt with it.

Don't I look happy?  Yeah.  The long green mad-scientist, crazy-cleaning-lady gloves are because the last time I washed him, my arms looked like I'd lost a fight with a cat or something -- red spots all over, because I'm allergic to the dog's dander and all the grass pollen and assorted other crapola he gets on his ridiculous fur.  (Maybe it's time for a military collie cut?)

I am happy to report, that the doggie is all clean now (he was overdue anyway), the crazy green gloves worked great (especially in repellent poopy areas), my rugs have been vacuumed (just in case), and I'm all wide awake and thinking the rest of the day can only be better.

P.S.  Still no time to work out.  Except I did Skype yoga with the sis yesterday.  So that counts for something.

P.P.S.  109.2!  I'm starting to suspect my New Digital is messed up!  But then the flab does weigh less than that pesky muscle.  Maybe it was 30 minutes of yoga yesterday.  Or maybe not.  I still feel really pudgy and my gut feels way bigger than 109.2 right now.  But I'm optimistic.  I found out this week that my food sensitivity is all things dairy and egg, rather than the wheat gluten that I was suspecting for the last two-three years.  (I may have mentioned how helpful the regular docs have been with my skin rashes and problems, and my suspicion of some food issue contributing to my illness.  So I did a blood test with a Florida lab for IgG-mediated food sensitivities and finally found out what foods I need to avoid.)  I've been off dairy and eggs for 2.5 days now, and my skin is already improving.  So, like I said, I'm optimistic that my health will improve, I won't be tired all the frickin' time, and I'll start working out again.  It's that simple.  I'll be better soon.

P.P.P.S. After washing the poopy-butted dog, watering my plants, walking the dogs, killing the grass in my backyard, and exploring my options as a temporary vegan-that-eats-meat, I put together the new camping cot.  Holy mother of frickin' baby Jee Zus.  I worked up quite a sweat and there were several moments where I just didn't think I had the muscle required to get the little aluminum legs in the little aluminum side rails.  I think I'ma leave it up for a few days to break it in and get it used to the pain of being set up  (I'm kind of pissed at it).  Plus I'm afraid to try to take it apart.  I could lose an eye or something.